Diplomatic Communication

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Diplomacy can be defined as taking responsibility for getting your own need met in a way that preserves the dignity of other people. Diplomacy or as it often called in the USA "assertiveness" means communicating your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs and opinions to others in a direct and honest manner, without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings. Characteristics include but are not limited to using clear, open inoffensive communication, flexibility, specific wording, a positive approach, being nonjudgmental and demonstrating a relaxed manner both verbally and nonverbally. It is connected with the notion of tact. As Wikipedia states.

Tact is a careful consideration of the feelings and values of another so as to create harmonious relationships with a reduced potential for conflict or offense. Tact is considered to be a virtue. An example of tact would be relating to someone a potentially embarrassing detail of their appearance or demeanor without causing them distress. Tact is a form of interpersonal diplomacy. Tact is the ability to induce change or communicate hurtful information without offending through the use of consideration, compassion, kindness, and reason.

A tactful person can tell you something you don't want to hear and you will be thankful for the information when they are finished.

Diplomatic communication aka assertive communication – expressing your feelings, needs, legitimate rights or opinions honestly and directly without being aggressive to others, without unnecessary hurting their feelings. Its purpose is the clear, direct and inoffensive communication of one’s needs, opinions and so on. The key mechanism of diplomacy is based on a simple observation: probability of achieving one’s goals increases if they can be accomplished without evoking hostility of other interested parties. Good diplomacy defies rules. But still rules can be a compass for learners of this complex art. Among such "semi-useful rules" we can mention:

Make a conscious decision that you want to be diplomatic rather than aggressive. Develop a belief system that allows you to assert yourself. In other words, give yourself permission to say no, ask for help and make mistakes
When saying no, be decisive. Explain why you are refusing, but don't be overly apologetic.
Analyze a recent conflict and imagine how you could have resolved it by communicating in a more diplomatic way.
Practice talking in an diplomatic way alone or with a friend.
Respect the wants, needs and feelings of others and accept that their viewpoints may be different from yours.
Listen and let people know you have heard what they said. Ask questions for clarification.
Take a problem-solving approach to conflict, and try to see the other person as your collaborator rather than as your opposition.
Concentrate on facts. Never tell other person about feelings.
Use indirect language such as ‘It looks like’ and ‘I think’ rather aggressive language such as ‘You always’ and ‘You never’. The “I” language helps you focus your anger constructively and be clear about your own feelings.
Don't interrupt other people when they are talking, and try hard to listen and understand what they are trying to say or, if they are manipulators, how they are trying manipulate you.
Resist giving in to interruptions until you have completed your thoughts. Don’t be afraid to say, “Just a moment, I haven’t finished.”
Stop self-limiting behaviors, such as smiling too much, nodding too much, tilting your head or dropping your eyes in response to another person’s gaze.
Use a technique called “Taleyrand approximation.” If it is difficult for you to speak up, try to make just one diplomatic statement. If they press you, avoid direct response by pointing out that this is not right time, that the question is inappropriate or find some other excuse. Each success will make you feel stronger in the art of diplomacy.

When asserting yourself, incorporate the following body language:

Maintain good eye contact.
Hold your body upright and keep your posture open and relaxed.
Consciously relax your shoulders
Breathe normally. Don't hold your breath
Keep your face relaxed.
Speak in a normal conversational volume. Don't scream or get excited. Don’t whisper, either, as you will not be taken seriously.

Of course, in spite of your best efforts to be direct and calm, the person you’re talking to may behave as if you're having an argument, criticizing and/or provoking you. For those interactions, practice the following:

Tell the person you'll take up the subject again at another time, then leave. Tempers often mellow when the heat of an argument passes.
If you opt to stay, practice your diplomatic skills. Remain calm, steer the conversation back to the original point, try to understand the other person’s point of view and try to get to a common ground.
Realize there might be other issues motivating the other person’s behavior. Keep this in mind, and it’s easier not to take things personally.
Don't take heat-of-the-moment criticisms to heart.
Learn from the experience and try to think up better ways to negotiate similar scenarios. Practice how you would deal with a similar situation.

In the end, you might be surprised to discover how much more people actually like and respect the new, more diplomatic, you!

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Mental Help Net - Anger Management

As a social emotion, anger is experienced through communication. Angry people tend to have distinct communication postures that they habitually take up when communicating with others. Psychologists have described four of these communication postures, each possessing its own motto:

The Aggressive communications posture says: "I count but you don't count."
The Passive communications posture says: "I don't count."
The Passive-Aggressive communications posture says : "I count. You don't count but I'm not going to tell you about it."
The Assertive communications posture says: "I count and you do too."

As you might guess, angry people tend to use the Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive postures a whole lot. Aggressive communicators are more likely to start an argument than they are to get the results they want achieved, however. Being passive in your communications is also a mistake, as it communicates weakness and tends to invite further aggression. The assertive communications posture is the most useful and balanced of all the postures as it is the only posture that communicates respect for all parties. Communicating Assertively is the most likely way to ensure that everyone involved gets their needs taken care of. Learning how to become Assertive rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive is an important step in discovering how to communicate appropriately with others.

People who are habitually aggressive tend to fundamentally misunderstand what it means to be Assertive. Specifically, they tend confuse assertiveness with aggression, and think they already are acting assertively. This is frequently a mistaken impression however. Both aggressive and assertive communications postures can involve fierce and persuasive communication. They are fundamentally different things, however, in that aggressive communication tends to go on the offense – it attacks and berates the other – while Assertive communication uses anger and fierceness only in defense. Assertive people stand up for themselves and their rights and do not take crap from others. However, they manage to do this without crossing the line into aggressiveness; they do not attack the person they are communicating with unnecessarily. Assertiveness is "anger in self-defense" whereas aggressiveness is "anger because I feel like it".

Diplomatic Communication

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